She had a weird habit of talking in the third person, starting every sentence with Cox believes … or Cox loves … I think she enjoyed shocking people with her last name and even threw her dad, Mr. But thinking about Ben proposing to Lindzi had me on edge, prepared to lose it at any given moment.Īs I got ready that morning, I tried not to think about Lindzi and her super cheesy jokes. Never let them see you sweat was my motto. Finally alone, I would weep like Jason Mesnik. I held everything in until I was in the only truly private place available to contestants-the shower. The whole time I was on The Bachelor, twelve long weeks, I rarely broke down on-camera. It was so hard not to start bawling just thinking about the possibility of Ben and Lindzi ending up together. The bell was not only deafening, it was driving me insane.Īt this point, I was also getting totally paranoid. Since I didn’t have a cell phone, computer, television, or music, it was the only sound I heard. A bell tower across from my bedroom went off every thirty minutes. The room was creepy and old and depressing, like a haunted house. This suite at the Grand Hotel Zermatterhof in Switzerland was a total mind fuck, too. I’d been doing interviews all day, every day for almost three months and I felt like a caged animal. Okay, we got it, the crew announced, and, finally, my Matterhorn selfies were over. And when I met his mom, Barbara, a few days earlier at Ben’s chalet, the first question she asked me was, Why didn’t you go to college? which made me feel totally inadequate. He did use the word lovely a lot, and not ironically. Why would she say that? I’d never seen that side of Ben. Wasn’t I? A few nights ago, someone had given me a strange warning. It’s an automatic ticket home in Bachelor-land.īut I wanted to go home that minute. Nobody ever says, No, I absolutely will not swim with sharks, because it pegs you as totally boring, high maintenance, and unable to handle adversity in a relationship. You have to be able to participate in an extreme sporting event-in a bikini. While safety is a must, to win the Bachelor’s heart you have to do more than look hot in a bikini. It was so romantic, but also pretty scary.
I thought about our first date in Switzerland, when we flew around the very mountain I was staring at in a helicopter. I’m not the kind of person who normally gets nervous, but on this morning I was wracked with nerves, my stomach twisted in knots. I’d know in just a few hours whether this would be the happiest, or the most humiliating, day of my life. What else was running through my head besides avoiding bad angles? Ben Flajnik. At least now I couldn’t see my goofy reflection. So I shifted my glance away from the Matterhorn toward the camera a tiny bit.
I remembered from past modeling jobs that if I looked straight ahead at this exact angle, the camera would only catch the whites of my eyes and I’d look like a zombie. I looked like a loser! I cursed myself for not practicing in the mirror last night. It didn’t help that I kept catching glimpses of my face in the window reflection. When I watched it on TV, I thought he looked ridiculous, but now, as I sat in his place, I understood why he was moved to man-tears. On his proposal day, former Bachelor Jason Mesnik felt an irresistible urge to run to his balcony and wail like an old Italian woman at a funeral. I wanted to get it right quickly-and avoid having America witness the high-stakes drama of a very public meltdown. By the third take I felt on the brink of tears, but we needed these contemplative shots for the finale episode. I pushed aside thoughts of the camera filming me to focus on the man I was here for, the man I hoped was about to ask me to marry him. I was filled with anxiety but tried as hard as I could to look both calm and pensive. I’d been staring out the window at the majestic Matterhorn in Switzerland for at least ten minutes, a camera hovering mere inches from my face.
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